The Best of Carnac

A: Nestea Plunge.
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is stopped up?

A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?

A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?

A: The ZIP Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?

A: Short eyes.
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine?

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?

A: Fondue.
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night?

A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.
Q: Name two words that have no meaning.

A: Executive action.
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar?

A: Eleven
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller?

A: Trapper John
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?

A: Mr. Coffee.
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby.

A: Superbowl.
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom?

A: Zippo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?

A: Touchback.
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?

A: O'Hare.
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..."

A: Over 15 billion served.
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

A: Damnation Alley.
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"?

A: The American people.
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race.

A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter.
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors.

A: Once is not enough.
Q: What's the major cause of divorce?

A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.

A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.

A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz.
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.

A: "A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou." 
Q: "Name three things that have yeast." 

A: The Nestea Plunge. 
Q: What does the president of Nestea use when his toilet is topped up? 

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. 
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? 

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo. 
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be? 

A: Zippo Marx. 
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo? 

A: Touchback. 
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you? 

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo. 
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy? 

A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and a candidate's campaign promises. 
Q: What is a clock, a jock and a crock. 

A: The Moonies.
Q: Name the religion that drops its pants?; 

A: The Zip Code.
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom? 

A: A pair of Jordache jeans and a bread box. 
Q: Name two places where you stuff your buns?;

A: Ovaltine. 
Q: Describe Oprah Winfrey in High School; 

A: Fondue. 
Q: What do you get on your Fon if you leave it out all night?; 

A: Ben Gay. 
Q: Why didn't Ben Franklin didn't have any children? 

A: Yassir Arafat 
Q: What's the sound made when Dolly Parton removes her bra? 

A: Donald, Benji, and Alexis Carrington  
Q: Name a duck, mutt, and a slut. 

A: "Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Ed Sullivan." 
Q: "Name two hockey players and a hockey puck." 

A: "Catch-22" 
Q: "Catch-22...What do the Los Angeles Dodgers do with 100 pop flies." 

A: "A triple and a double, catcher's and fielder's, and Dolly Parton" 
Q: "Name two big hits, two big mitts.....and a famous country singer!" 

A: Do-whacka-do 
Q: What do you look for when you're hunting do-whackas? 

A: Dippity-do 
Q: What collects on your dippity in the morning? 

A: "William Safire." 
Q: What's Shakespeare's first name, Kingfish." 

A. "Knickerbocker" 
Q. "What do you want to avoid doing when you shave her bocker?" 

A: Sis boom bah. 
Q: Describe the sound made when a sheep explodes. 

A: The La Brea Tar Pits. 
Q: What do you have left after eating the La Brea Tar Peaches? 

A: Brown pajama tops. 
Q: What does Linda Ronstadt wear to bed? 

A: U-C-L-A, A-F-L, C-I-O. 
Q: How do you spell uclaaflcio? 

A: Green Acres. 
Q: What does Kermit have after Miss Piggy kicks him in the groin? 

A: Dippity Do. 
Q: What forms on your dippity early in the morning. 

A: Over 105 in Los Angeles. 
Q: Under the Reagan Plan how old would you have to be to collect Social Security? 

A: Yahoo Serious.
Q: What are the two stages of sex?

A: Piggly-Wiggly
Q: Describe Kermit's wedding night.

A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?

A: Bible belt.
Q: Whatholds up Oral Roberts' pants?

A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.

A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.

A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?

A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?

A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?

A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?

A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?

A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?

A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?

A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?

A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?

A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

A: Hickory Dickory Dock.
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

A: "Rose Bowl."
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

A: High rollers.
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team.

A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?

A: Igloo.
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?

A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S.
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?

A: Grape Nuts.
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Crabgrass.
Q: What do crabs get high on?

A: Shake-N-Bake.
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.

A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.

A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
 
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
 
A: Gatorade.
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
 
A: Bible belt.
Q: What holds up Pat Robertson's pants?
 
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
 
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
 
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 300 and 500 pm on June 1, 1952?
 
A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
 
A: The Laughing Policeman.
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
 
A: Dustin Hoffman.
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
 
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
 
A: Old wives tale.
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
 
A: Rub-a-dub-dub.
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
 
A: Shareholder.
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
 
A: Skalliwags.
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
 
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your David?

A: Gatorade. 
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare? 

A: Bible belt. 
Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? 

A: Milk and honey. 
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? 

A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. 
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles. 

A: Black and white and twenty feet tall. 
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong. 

A: Ben Gay. 
Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? 

A: An unmarried woman. 
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952? 

A: Disjoint. 
Q: What was dat hippie smoking? 

A: The Laughing Policeman. 
Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? 

A: Dustin Hoffman. 
Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. 

A: Until he gets caught. 
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve? 

A: Old wives tale. 
Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? 

A: Rub-a-dub-dub. 
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub? 

A: Shareholder. 
Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be? 

A: Skalliwags. 
Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy? 

A: David Frost. 
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david? 

A: Head and shoulders. 
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car? 

A: Hickory Dickory Dock. 
Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory? 

A: "Rose Bowl." 
Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley? 

A: That darn cat. 
Q: Who ruined that darn rug? 

A: High rollers. 
Q: Describe a stoned bowling team. 

A: Gunga din. 
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? 

A: "Follow the yellow brick road." 
Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office? 

A: At both ends. 
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? 

A: Igloo. 
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? 

A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. 
Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? 

A: Grape Nuts. 
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? 

A: Supervisor. 
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? 

A: Crabgrass. 
Q: What do crabs get high on? 

A: Shake-N-Bake. 
Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. 

A: Blazing Saddles. 
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? 

A: Flypaper. 
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? 

A: Deep freeze. 
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film. 

A: Bedbug. 
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker? 

A: Peter Pan. 
Q: What do you use to fry a peter? 

A: Mount Baldy. 
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales? 

A: The ZIP Code. 
Q: What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom? 

A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G. 
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H? 

A: Short eyes. 
Q: What do you get when you put Preperation H in your Murine? 

A: Shoo-be-doo-be-doo. 
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be? 

A: Fondue. 
Q: What do you get on your fon if you leave it out all night? 

A: Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente. 
Q: Name two words that have no meaning. 

A: Executive action. 
Q: What does a president look for in a singles bar? 

A: Eleven 
Q: What is the total of Bo Derek and Phyllis Diller? 

A: Trapper John 
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand? 

A: Mr. Coffee. 
Q: Name the father of Mrs. Olsen's illegitamate baby. 

A: Superbowl. 
Q: What would you find in Superman's bathroom? 

A: Zippo Marx. 
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo? 

A: Touchback. 
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you? 

A: O'Hare. 
Q: How does Howard Cosell call his toupee? "Oh, hair..." 

A: Over 15 billion served. 
Q: What will be written on the Happy Hooker's tombstone? 

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo. 
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy? 

A: Damnation Alley. 
Q: What do they call the entrance to "The Gong Show"? 

A: The American people. 
Q: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. 

A: A mule, a horse, Billy Carter. 
Q: Name three things that go to the bathroom outdoors. 

A: Once is not enough. 
Q: What's the major cause of divorce? 

A: "Leave it to Beaver." 
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? 

A: Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises. 
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock. 

A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season. 
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn. 

A: Kirk Douglas, Terhan Bey and Earl Butz. 
Q: Name a Kirk, a Turk and a jerk.